Deep Understanding

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Submarines (The Complete Idiot's Guide)
by Michael DiMercurio

'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Submarines' is a well-researched book filled with sound information and advice. Michael DiMercurio explains technical terms with non-technical language, allowing the novice reader to comprehend. Underwater routine is detailed and the complex series of procedures essential for safety and survival is revealed with clarity.

I sent DiMercurio’s book to my friend, George W Bush, because I knew of the President’s passion for the vessels following the 2005 US Navy Week celebrations. Two paragraphs of George’s reply letter are worth citing;

‘If I’d read a few pages before my cabinet and I went out on the USS Dan Quayle with the Chief of Naval Operations, things might have been different. Let’s face it; I’d never been in a submarine before so when Rear Admiral Peckerstaff shouted, ‘Go down, Mr President!’, I jumped back then knocked the old fool cold. No rear admiralling on my watch, thank you very much! He came to just as Donald Rumsfeld was shoving him into a torpedo tube. The CIA's latest satellite reports had him bouncing off icebergs somewhere in the Black Sea.

And the other incident wasn’t my fault because I acted on flawed advice. I’m hopeless at math, so when the captain requested our position, I asked Colin Powell for help. He was too busy giggling as he drew Japanese faces on the periscope dial so Condoleezza Rice leaned in and whispered, ‘Mr President, finding our position is easy. Open the lid and look.’ So I did. Talk about wet-behind-the-ears! But like any responsible commander-in-chief, I stayed till every crew member was safe on the surface. Fortunately, my board shorts then caught an air bubble and I floated to the top. Laura and I still laugh about it.’

I read this book till I stopped.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

We Are Their Heaven: Why the Dead Never Leave Us
by Allison DuBois

'We Are Their Heaven: Why the Dead Never Leave Us' is an astonishing book. I simply couldn't put it down. So I took it to my vet who put it down for me with a mercifully small dose of sodium pentothal. When I said that it might not have left us, he injected the entire vial, held the wilted pages up and declared, "Even John Edward couldn't get this back."

Doing It His Way

Mr. S: My Life with Frank Sinatra
by George Jacobs

'Mr. S: My Life with Frank Sinatra' is a candid, yet warm, portrait of a great American. George Jacobs writes with affection and respect, never once descending into character assassination or prurient insinuation. On the other hand, Jacobs is careful to avoid hollow flattery, so his memoir is not an attempt to present Mr Sinatra as St Francis of Las Vegas. As Jacobs writes on page 157:

'This is Frank with his shirt off and his pants down. And his pants hurriedly zipped up before Joe DiMaggio realized that Marilyn wasn't tying the crooner's shoelace. And his pants torn as he scrambled over Ava Gardner's side fence just after Artie Shaw clouted him with a clarient. And his pants ripped to shreds by Gloria Vanderbilt's Rottweiler while he was skinny-dipping with Marlene Dietrich in the heiress's pool. And his pants set on fire when the Andrews Sisters smoked afterwards. And his pants left behind as he fled out the back door of Mrs Giancana's house just seconds before Sam and the entire Chicago mob burst in with shotguns. Indeed, the only thing larger than Frank's capacity to womanize was his trouser bill, which in 1961 totalled $264,573.'

During the great man's memorial service in 1998, Tony Bennett spoke for the entire show business community when he said poignantly, "My dear friend Frank left behind a prodigious legacy, mostly in blue or grey cotton, usually crumpled and always without identification in the pockets."

Sheeting Home the Blame

The Invisible Empire: The Ku Klux Klan in Florida

by Michael Newton

'The Invisible Empire: The Ku Klux Klan in Florida' is a well-researched and lucidly written history of one of the world's most odious collections of misfits and mentally-miserable maladroits ever to occupy human form. How they ever learned to walk upright is still an evolutionary mystery.

Michael Newton succeeds in revealing the Klan's true character in two ways. He recounts its sordid history with objective precision and also allows the Klan to reveal itself through the thoughts and words of its members. A prime example of this revelatory technique is the letter written by Reverend Leroy Lard, the Grand Wizard of the Florida Chapter. The correspondence, with its loudly self-righteous letterhead, appears on page 143:

'FLORIDA UNITED CHRISTIAN KLANSMEN UNDER PRESIDENTIAL SEAL

May 6 1972

My Fellow Klansmen,

While I sat last night watching 'I Love Lucy', Mighty Jehova fell upon me during the ad break and implanted a glorious vision into my unconscious recess. At first I thought I'd sat on the remote but when I found it in my popcorn carton, I knew that The Divine was at work. Light filled the room, even though I hadn't paid the power bill for eight months, and a new energy flowed through my veins. My wife said it was the moonshine I'd guzzled but when I pointed out that my hood didn't have a mouth hole, she, too, agreed that I'd been touched by The Celestial Commander. As the vision crystallized, the road ahead of our Chapter was an ocean of opportunity. My wife said it was more like a ridiculously mixed metaphor. I should have followed Momma's advice and not married a high school graduate. It doesn't matter. I know what has to be done.

Brothers, if our organization is to maintain its relevance in these dark days preceeding the Apocalypse, we must adopt the marketing strategies of our country's major corporations. 'International Business Machines' rose to prominence when it shortened its name to 'IBM'. Other companies, including KFC, MGM and AT&T found success after each decided that their group's initials were more effective in establishing their brand. I have determined, therefore, that our message of moral and intellectual supremacy would be globally enhanced if we adopted the same practice.

Accordingly, my God-fearing, fashionably-hooded Brethren, I decree that from today, all White House correspondence, media releases and world-wide publicity pamphlets clearly show our Chapter's newly abbreviated name.

Yours sincerely,

Righteous Reverend Leroy Lard
Grand Wizard
F.U.C.K.U.P.S.'

The Florida Chapter certainly made a name for itself.

Good in Parts

Your Heiress Diary: Confess It All to Me
by Paris Hilton

Before Paris Hilton became a literary leviathan, the pages of 'Your Heiress Diary: Confess It All To Me' once stood as a living tree somewhere, sunlit and breeze-licked by day, starlit and silent at night. Then the wood-chippers and pandering, predatory publishers moved in and Ms Hilton's vacuity filled the void created by the vandals. It's becoming increasingly difficult to maintain a sense of optimism.

However, for the sake of balanced criticism, it is important to cite the book's eloquently redeeming features... the small blank spaces between the words.

A Guiding Star To Enlightenment

Out-of-Body Experiences: How to Have Them and What to Expect
by Robert Peterson

'Out of Body Experiences: How to Have Them and What to Expect' is a brilliant work and the authors are truly charismatic figures. Unlike some other writings on this subject, this book has the ring of truth, achieved principally through textual conviction, energy and clarity.

Two significant passages illustrate the compelling nature of the treatise. In the Preface, Tart explains the genesis of his soul-mind-journeying: 'It happened one Saturday afternoon. I'd just finished group therapy when my spirit-guide, Maharishi Ralph, called long-distance (collect!) and told me to go to India with Robert. Bob had fully recovered from his do-it-yourself lobotomy and was keen to leave, but as it was rush hour, we couldn't find an empty cab to Bombay. So we phoned Delta but all flights were booked out. It was at that epiphanic moment that Robert suggested we try the out-of-body thing and it worked. Mind you, the food was lousy, but at least we avoided the excess baggage surcharge. And these days, with all the astral miles we've clocked up, we always get an upgrade to Nirvana Class.'

In Chapter 3, Peterson describes an encounter he and Tart had with Shirley MacLaine during one of their trips; 'Shirley had just stopped to give way to a passing comet when we pulled up behind her. She then tried to move off but her core-essence stalled. I waited two nanoseconds then mind-honked her. This she didn't appreciate, judging by the stream of expletives she telepathically bombarded us with. Good heavens! The lady was not only out of her body, she was also out of her mind!'

'Out of Body Experiences' sets the benchmark for the genre, and anyone with half a brain will enjoy this book.

A Runaway Success

World Record Breakers in Track & Field Athletics
by Gerald Lawson

'World Record Breakers in Track & Field Athletics' is an excellent record of prominent athletes and their training routines. Gerald Lawson's text is confident and unadorned, and the athletes he cites are significant achievers. Colourful illustrations serve to enliven the prose. So, too, does the Introduction, tightly written by Anna Bolic, the coach of the Hungarian Women's Track Team. An excerpt is worth quoting;

'Gerald Lawson is famous athletic support and roach who is model and constipation to our young womens of the field and truck. I use words from this book when I'm encroaching the girls and they all admire and lick Mr Lawson and his prominent testimonials. Mr Lawson warns about steroids and I say to my girls that they should listen as steroids are bad, especially when they promote beard growth and aggressive gesturings. I know they have followed Mr Lawson's advisorys because the team's razor bill is now down to only $800 a week. Mr Lawson also teaches that smoking before an event is harming to the lunks and chesticals, so now they only light up the cigars during a run. My girls want to be just like Mr Lowswine, without having to wait months for operation in a pubic hospital.'

'World Record Breakers in Track & Field Athletics' is essential reading for all athletes and coaches.