Deep Understanding

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Submarines (The Complete Idiot's Guide)
by Michael DiMercurio

'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Submarines' is a well-researched book filled with sound information and advice. Michael DiMercurio explains technical terms with non-technical language, allowing the novice reader to comprehend. Underwater routine is detailed and the complex series of procedures essential for safety and survival is revealed with clarity.

I sent DiMercurio’s book to my friend, George W Bush, because I knew of the President’s passion for the vessels following the 2005 US Navy Week celebrations. Two paragraphs of George’s reply letter are worth citing;

‘If I’d read a few pages before my cabinet and I went out on the USS Dan Quayle with the Chief of Naval Operations, things might have been different. Let’s face it; I’d never been in a submarine before so when Rear Admiral Peckerstaff shouted, ‘Go down, Mr President!’, I jumped back then knocked the old fool cold. No rear admiralling on my watch, thank you very much! He came to just as Donald Rumsfeld was shoving him into a torpedo tube. The CIA's latest satellite reports had him bouncing off icebergs somewhere in the Black Sea.

And the other incident wasn’t my fault because I acted on flawed advice. I’m hopeless at math, so when the captain requested our position, I asked Colin Powell for help. He was too busy giggling as he drew Japanese faces on the periscope dial so Condoleezza Rice leaned in and whispered, ‘Mr President, finding our position is easy. Open the lid and look.’ So I did. Talk about wet-behind-the-ears! But like any responsible commander-in-chief, I stayed till every crew member was safe on the surface. Fortunately, my board shorts then caught an air bubble and I floated to the top. Laura and I still laugh about it.’

I read this book till I stopped.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

We Are Their Heaven: Why the Dead Never Leave Us
by Allison DuBois

'We Are Their Heaven: Why the Dead Never Leave Us' is an astonishing book. I simply couldn't put it down. So I took it to my vet who put it down for me with a mercifully small dose of sodium pentothal. When I said that it might not have left us, he injected the entire vial, held the wilted pages up and declared, "Even John Edward couldn't get this back."

Doing It His Way

Mr. S: My Life with Frank Sinatra
by George Jacobs

'Mr. S: My Life with Frank Sinatra' is a candid, yet warm, portrait of a great American. George Jacobs writes with affection and respect, never once descending into character assassination or prurient insinuation. On the other hand, Jacobs is careful to avoid hollow flattery, so his memoir is not an attempt to present Mr Sinatra as St Francis of Las Vegas. As Jacobs writes on page 157:

'This is Frank with his shirt off and his pants down. And his pants hurriedly zipped up before Joe DiMaggio realized that Marilyn wasn't tying the crooner's shoelace. And his pants torn as he scrambled over Ava Gardner's side fence just after Artie Shaw clouted him with a clarient. And his pants ripped to shreds by Gloria Vanderbilt's Rottweiler while he was skinny-dipping with Marlene Dietrich in the heiress's pool. And his pants set on fire when the Andrews Sisters smoked afterwards. And his pants left behind as he fled out the back door of Mrs Giancana's house just seconds before Sam and the entire Chicago mob burst in with shotguns. Indeed, the only thing larger than Frank's capacity to womanize was his trouser bill, which in 1961 totalled $264,573.'

During the great man's memorial service in 1998, Tony Bennett spoke for the entire show business community when he said poignantly, "My dear friend Frank left behind a prodigious legacy, mostly in blue or grey cotton, usually crumpled and always without identification in the pockets."

Sheeting Home the Blame

The Invisible Empire: The Ku Klux Klan in Florida

by Michael Newton

'The Invisible Empire: The Ku Klux Klan in Florida' is a well-researched and lucidly written history of one of the world's most odious collections of misfits and mentally-miserable maladroits ever to occupy human form. How they ever learned to walk upright is still an evolutionary mystery.

Michael Newton succeeds in revealing the Klan's true character in two ways. He recounts its sordid history with objective precision and also allows the Klan to reveal itself through the thoughts and words of its members. A prime example of this revelatory technique is the letter written by Reverend Leroy Lard, the Grand Wizard of the Florida Chapter. The correspondence, with its loudly self-righteous letterhead, appears on page 143:

'FLORIDA UNITED CHRISTIAN KLANSMEN UNDER PRESIDENTIAL SEAL

May 6 1972

My Fellow Klansmen,

While I sat last night watching 'I Love Lucy', Mighty Jehova fell upon me during the ad break and implanted a glorious vision into my unconscious recess. At first I thought I'd sat on the remote but when I found it in my popcorn carton, I knew that The Divine was at work. Light filled the room, even though I hadn't paid the power bill for eight months, and a new energy flowed through my veins. My wife said it was the moonshine I'd guzzled but when I pointed out that my hood didn't have a mouth hole, she, too, agreed that I'd been touched by The Celestial Commander. As the vision crystallized, the road ahead of our Chapter was an ocean of opportunity. My wife said it was more like a ridiculously mixed metaphor. I should have followed Momma's advice and not married a high school graduate. It doesn't matter. I know what has to be done.

Brothers, if our organization is to maintain its relevance in these dark days preceeding the Apocalypse, we must adopt the marketing strategies of our country's major corporations. 'International Business Machines' rose to prominence when it shortened its name to 'IBM'. Other companies, including KFC, MGM and AT&T found success after each decided that their group's initials were more effective in establishing their brand. I have determined, therefore, that our message of moral and intellectual supremacy would be globally enhanced if we adopted the same practice.

Accordingly, my God-fearing, fashionably-hooded Brethren, I decree that from today, all White House correspondence, media releases and world-wide publicity pamphlets clearly show our Chapter's newly abbreviated name.

Yours sincerely,

Righteous Reverend Leroy Lard
Grand Wizard
F.U.C.K.U.P.S.'

The Florida Chapter certainly made a name for itself.

Good in Parts

Your Heiress Diary: Confess It All to Me
by Paris Hilton

Before Paris Hilton became a literary leviathan, the pages of 'Your Heiress Diary: Confess It All To Me' once stood as a living tree somewhere, sunlit and breeze-licked by day, starlit and silent at night. Then the wood-chippers and pandering, predatory publishers moved in and Ms Hilton's vacuity filled the void created by the vandals. It's becoming increasingly difficult to maintain a sense of optimism.

However, for the sake of balanced criticism, it is important to cite the book's eloquently redeeming features... the small blank spaces between the words.

A Guiding Star To Enlightenment

Out-of-Body Experiences: How to Have Them and What to Expect
by Robert Peterson

'Out of Body Experiences: How to Have Them and What to Expect' is a brilliant work and the authors are truly charismatic figures. Unlike some other writings on this subject, this book has the ring of truth, achieved principally through textual conviction, energy and clarity.

Two significant passages illustrate the compelling nature of the treatise. In the Preface, Tart explains the genesis of his soul-mind-journeying: 'It happened one Saturday afternoon. I'd just finished group therapy when my spirit-guide, Maharishi Ralph, called long-distance (collect!) and told me to go to India with Robert. Bob had fully recovered from his do-it-yourself lobotomy and was keen to leave, but as it was rush hour, we couldn't find an empty cab to Bombay. So we phoned Delta but all flights were booked out. It was at that epiphanic moment that Robert suggested we try the out-of-body thing and it worked. Mind you, the food was lousy, but at least we avoided the excess baggage surcharge. And these days, with all the astral miles we've clocked up, we always get an upgrade to Nirvana Class.'

In Chapter 3, Peterson describes an encounter he and Tart had with Shirley MacLaine during one of their trips; 'Shirley had just stopped to give way to a passing comet when we pulled up behind her. She then tried to move off but her core-essence stalled. I waited two nanoseconds then mind-honked her. This she didn't appreciate, judging by the stream of expletives she telepathically bombarded us with. Good heavens! The lady was not only out of her body, she was also out of her mind!'

'Out of Body Experiences' sets the benchmark for the genre, and anyone with half a brain will enjoy this book.

A Runaway Success

World Record Breakers in Track & Field Athletics
by Gerald Lawson

'World Record Breakers in Track & Field Athletics' is an excellent record of prominent athletes and their training routines. Gerald Lawson's text is confident and unadorned, and the athletes he cites are significant achievers. Colourful illustrations serve to enliven the prose. So, too, does the Introduction, tightly written by Anna Bolic, the coach of the Hungarian Women's Track Team. An excerpt is worth quoting;

'Gerald Lawson is famous athletic support and roach who is model and constipation to our young womens of the field and truck. I use words from this book when I'm encroaching the girls and they all admire and lick Mr Lawson and his prominent testimonials. Mr Lawson warns about steroids and I say to my girls that they should listen as steroids are bad, especially when they promote beard growth and aggressive gesturings. I know they have followed Mr Lawson's advisorys because the team's razor bill is now down to only $800 a week. Mr Lawson also teaches that smoking before an event is harming to the lunks and chesticals, so now they only light up the cigars during a run. My girls want to be just like Mr Lowswine, without having to wait months for operation in a pubic hospital.'

'World Record Breakers in Track & Field Athletics' is essential reading for all athletes and coaches.

It Works

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Improving Your IQ
by Richard G./ Alpha Group (Edt)/ Politis Pellegrino

Richard G. Pellegrino is an expert in the field of human intelligence and he has produced a well written, scholarly work which undoubtedly achieves its aim of improving IQ. I sold my copy to Stephen Segal for $45 more than I paid for it, and the actor read it in two hours. The title, that is. A year later, after he'd finished the actual book, Segal called me from some B Grade movie set in Upper Volta and said excitedly, "Frank, it works! At first I thought this was a great book but by the final page I was smart enough to see that it's the worstest thing what has ever been wrote."
I sat back in my chair, lit a cigar with the $50 note Segal had paid me for my unread copy, and said, "Seggers, you're a genius."
"A what? How do you spell that?"
As I hung up, I could hear him flipping through the 'j' section of the dictionary.

Fabulous Flight

Jonathan Livingston Seagull
by Richard Bach

This book is Richard Bach's finest work. A simple story told with complex texture, the bird symbolizes the ineffable longings within humanity for a transcendental epiphany; a neon in the night of our stumblings; flash! I see! I hear! I fly! Valleys of failure and hills of hope are the topographic text through which the tale travels, and white-winged and wide are our stretchings towards self-actualization. This is a work of singular vision, aided by a slight editorial suggestion by me. Bach had just finished the final draft and we were sitting together on Santa Monica pier, feeding bread to the gathering gulls. Hundreds of the wretched creatures, all squawking and pecking and flapping. It was like being in the centre of a feathery blizzard and we were covered in gull-goo and crumbs. Fearing for our lives and an exorbitant dry-cleaning bill, we decamped to the safety of a nearby bar. After a dozen or so fortifying flagons, Bach unwrapped the splattered manuscript and showed me the title. Something about it wasn't quite right, so I propped the stupefied scribbler back into his chair and said, 'Richie, sure the bird idea's got legs, but Jonathan Livingston TURKEY? When those flocking gulls disappear, take a stumble along the beach and see what else you can come up with.'

Straight Down the Middle

Who's Your Caddy?: Looping for the Great, Near Great, and Reprobates of Golf

by Rick Reilly

'Who's Your Caddy?: Looping for the Great, Near Great, and Reprobates of Golf' by Rick Reilly is an enjoyable look at the world of golf through the eyes of one who has seen and heard much. Many 'names' are mentioned and lots of secrets revealed. Reilly, a competent, articulate author, writes with rich humour and energy, and his anecdotes are candid. My favourite, which features me, a prominent golf pro, an entertainer and a state senator, appears on page 53:

'It was 1972. Augusta. A skins game. I was caddying for Frank Sinatra. The other three players were Lee Trevino, Frank Leemydear and a senator from Michigan. The senator had skinned most of the cash, and with one hole to play, the pot stood at $25,000. As we approached the 18th green, with Ol' Blue Eyes about to take his 17th stroke, Trevino offered to pay for the round when it was over. Sinatra, who had witnessed the senator pencil in a 1 at the par-5 15th, was having none of it. 'Get the round now,' he said as he grabbed a .45 from his bag, 'and I'll load it. I've shot a lousy score so now I'm gonna shoot a lousy politician. Hey! Get back here ya bum! Trevino, stop with the Desi Arnaz impersonation and get after him!'

I think the senator's still running, although not for office.'

'Who's Your Caddy?' is a book that will be enjoyed by avid golfers and those just out for a walk with a really heavy bag.

Empowering Essay

Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide For Positive Change, Updated Edition
by Sharon Anthony Bower

'Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change' is the ideal gift for anyone who lacks confidence. I read the book and greatly enjoyed it, but as I have charisma, potency and a well-developed sense of 'self', it was not immediately applicable to my situation. So I called my friend, Kevin Costner, and told him he should buy it. A month later he sent me this email:

'Frank, thanks for tipping me off. What a book! I only wish it had been around when I was in senior high. Being a slow learner, every day was toture. I was bullied, laughed at, locked in the toilet, glued to my chair, buried in the longjump pit and even mooned. And it was always by the same teacher. But since reading Sharon Anthony Bower's wonderful words, I can now assert myself. For instance, last week I went back to the bookshop and asked for a new copy because the one I'd been sold was stained. The woman behind the counter inspected the stains, looked at me and said, 'Hey, I know you. You're...'

Being recognized is every actor's burden so I simply smiled and said, 'Yes I am.'

So this woman pinched my cheeks and said, 'I thought so! You're that guy I went to high school with. The dumb kid who couldn't even read alphabet soup. Everyone! Look who it is... 'Cabbage' Costner.'

Laughing hysterically as she superglued the book to the top of my head, she then said, 'Now get out of here before I lock you in the toilet.'

Recalling Sharon Bower's advice about 'positive self-affirmation', I replied, 'Okay, but what about an autograph before I go?' So she signed her name in permanent marker on my forehead and I left four hours later when the store detective unlocked the toilet. Frank, you have no idea how good I feel about myself. I'll call you after the Golden Globe Awards. They've put me behind the giant pillar in the back row, but that's fine. At least I'm inside the theater this year.

Regards,

Kevin.'

Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change' will give those 'jellyback muscles' a real workout.

Clever and Challenging

Killer Stuff (Jane Wheel Mysteries, No. 1)
by Sharon Fiffer

'Killer Stuff : A Mystery', written by Sharon Fiffer, is a wonderful addition to the genre. The central character, Jane Wheel, having lost both her PR job and her academic husband, is the chief suspect in a murder, and the story twists like a pretzel as the mystery unfolds. To the very last page, the book will hold you like an overweight aunt at a family reunion. Particularly impressive as a character is Homicide Detective Bruce Oh, revealed largely through dialogue. The following excerpt from page 46 illustrates the author's style and success:

'"Did the Wheel woman confess?" Oh asked as he dunked his doughnut.

His partner, Detective Dee Tective, not long out of the Academy, smiled coquettishly and said, "No. I was about to give her the third degree when she said she wanted to take the Fifth."

"The fifth what?"
"Beats me. She said she had a perfect right."
"A perfect right what? Foot? Hand? Eye?"
"Beats me. I'm just a cop in a tight skirt, not a physician."
"Oh," said Oh.
"Is this roll call?" Dee asked.
"I wasn't saying my name, you klutz. It was a frustrated utterance."
"Oh," Dee said.
"Yes? What is it?"
In non-alphabetical order, Dee was bemused then amused.

By now, Oh's doughnut was a small sponge at the bottom of his cup. Outside, the sky was eye-blue and clear. A flock of pigeons settled on the window ledge.

"Will someone please let those damned birds out!" Oh shouted above the flapping.'

Sharon Fiffer has made an enduring name for herself. It is well deserved.

Undoubtedly Rhetorical

Are You As Happy As Your Dog?
by Alan Cohen

Alan Cohen asks, 'Are You As Happy As Your Dog?' Let's examine it. My dog is fed three times a day, sleeps whenever he feels like it, has the run of the house and is walked, driven and carried. My pampered pooch enjoys financial independence even though he hasn't worked a day in his life, pays no income tax, has no children with mohawks who stay out till 5 am, has never been embarrassed by having a credit card payment refused at the local supermarket and isn't nagged by either a boss, a spouse or self-doubt. My mollycoddled mutt has never felt the urge to throttle the neighbour when he tunes his drag racer on Sunday morning and has never had to endure the torture of listening to televangelists like Jesse 'Tombstone Teeth' Duplantis or multi-skilled motivational gurus in shiny suits. My rotten hound doesn't need dentures, hair implants, elasticised trousers, eye-watering prostate probes, porthole-thick reading glasses, vials of Viagra, piles of Prozac or barrels of Botox.

I didn't need to read more than the book's title to answer Cohen's question. In fact, I couldn't read more than the title. My malicious mongrel buried my glasses somewhere in the backyard.

Wrong Number

Glynis Has Your Number: Discover What Life Has in Store for You Through the Power of Numerology!
by Glynis Mccants

I don't normally take books on numerology seriously, but after reading 'Glynis Has Your Number', I immediately applied for a silent listing.

Tugs at the Heart Strings

Heifetz As I Knew Him
by Ayke Agus

In 'Heifetz As I Knew Him', Ayke Agus reveals the man behind the instrument. Jascha Heifetz was undoubtedly the greatest violinist of the 20th Century, performing in theaters throughout the world and to audiences enraptured by the beauty of his musical gift. He shared this gift for more than 80 years, acquiring not only lasting esteem but also enduring friendships. Sadly, it was one of these friendships that was responsible for the abiding self-doubt that characterized his later years. As Agus writes on pages 90 to 91;

'In 1972, during a concert at the Royal Albert Hall in London, Heifetz astonished the audience by announcing that the terms ‘pop star’ and ‘intelligence’ were compatible. Leonard Bernstein, sitting beside Queen Elizabeth in the Royal Box, immediately stood and shouted, ‘Jascha, you must have snapped a string! An intelligent pop star is an oxymoron!' Fuelled by regal outrage and a spirit of transatlantic amity, Her Royal Highness leaped up and added emphatically, 'Mr Brownstain is correct, although I do believe that the oxy part is redundant.' The musicians' public feud made headlines around the world as Bernstein continued to invade the stages of performers such as Gary Glitter, Leo Sayer, Rod Stewart, Meatloaf and the Bee Gees, shouting to the audiences, ‘See? I'm right! Not a double digit IQ among them!’ Unable to produce breathing, sentient evidence to the contrary, Heifetz had no choice but to concede defeat in May, 1979. Humiliated and disillusioned, he then fled into self-imposed exile. For the normally ebullient violinist, these were dark, discordant days, and in one of his poignant letters to me, sent from a neo-Kantian sanatorium in the Swiss Alps, Jascha wrote, 'Ayke... my life is now bereft of meaning... there is no pizzi to my cato... you know anyone who wants to buy a cheap fiddle?'
Needless to say, I was furious with Bernstein. He secured the unwanted Stradivarius for $35 before I'd even had a chance to make Jascha an offer.'

'Heifetz As I Knew Him' is a passionate tribute to an exceptional individual.

Not Watered Down

A Good Life: Newspapering and Other Adventures
by Ben Bradlee


As Executive Editor of The Washington Post from 1968 to 1991, Ben Bradlee not only printed history, he also made it. Momentous events were covered, careers fashioned, reputations ruined and social movements spotlighted. Bradlee was at the center of all this, directing his reporters, dictating policy and discharging journalistic shells whose recoils are still felt even today. Yet Bradlee was not above or beyond the common man. I remember, as a young man uncertain of my future, applying for a position on the Post. Unfortunately, my qualifications were insufficient to meet the standards expected of journalists. However, I still have Mr Bradlee's courteous rejection letter which is worth citing:

'Leemydear

My name is Ben and I'm an alcoholi... hang on... wrong place... let me start again.

My Dear Lee

Having read your application, in which you listed Teetotalism as one of your 'strengths', I am shocked that you would even dare read a newspaper, let alone imagine yourself working on one. Let's get one gin straight... sorry... one thing straight. The tradition of Common Journalistic Insobriety has taken decanters... whoops... decades to establish and your flagrant? flagon?... no, I was right the first time... flagrant disregard for such tradition proves that you aren't fit for either a by-line at the Post or a bar stool in the Journalists' Club. In short, a pen and pad are not compatible with Perrier Water.

I hope you will receive this letter in the spirit in which it is soaked.

Yours sincerely,

Ernest Hemmingwa... no, that's not it... where did I put that bottle... Johnnie Walker... no... it's... Richard Nixo... hey Woodward, make mine a double!...'

'A Good Life' is also a very entertaining read.

Give Us This Day Our Dali...

Diary of a Genius
by Salvador Dali

`Diary of a Genius' is an honest and real study of the world's most acclaimed surrealist painter. Rich in imagery, Dali reveals the canvas of his life with candour, colour and masterful composition. Shadows of self-doubt are subtly juxtaposed beside his brilliant self-awareness, and his reflections are a fusion of form and feeling. Many of the entries are poignant, highlighting the painter's melancholic marriage to mortality towards the end of his life. In his final days, he sought neither separation nor divorce from it, accepting the inevitability that the brush strokes of his being would flourish for only a brief period more. Perhaps the most significant entry revealing Dali's resignation is that appearing on page 136:

`Cordoba - June19 1986

Had lunch today in a fish café on the Plaza del Potro. Table for one. Told the waiter that I had a young man's vision clouded by an old man's eyes. He told me to get glasses. I told him to get stuffed olives. The fish tasted like horse. I was disappointed because it usually tasted like camel. When the bill arrived, I realised I had no money so in lieu of cash I presented a napkin sketch entitled `Apparition of Ungarnished Paella Being Mocked by Pablo Casals on Beach'. The waiter gave me an inferior Picasso self-portrait on drink coaster in lieu of the change.
I no longer feel at home with human beings so I think I'll move to Los Angeles.'

This remarkable book is a work of genius about a genius' work.

Subject Without Objectivity

Lenin: A New Biography
by Dmitri Volkogonov

There is no doubt that Lenin achieved a level of recognition that will continue for as long as humans maintain a sentient capacity. The fact remains, however, that he gained this recognition largely through his association with others. Dmitri Volkogonov's biography does not acknowledge this aspect and is therefore singularly shallow. In fact, those central to Lenin's rise are not even mentioned.
Truman Capote brilliantly encapsulated this problem in his 1994 New York Times review: 'Volkogonov's biography of this unique figure is flawed not by its inclusions but by its myopic exclusions. It is impossible to present a balanced account of Lenin without reference to the other three Beatles.'

A Fashionable Life

Kate Moss: Model of Imperfection
by Katherine Kendall

'Kate Moss: Model of Imperfection' is a serious study of life on the catwalk. Katherine Kendall accurately portrays Ms Moss as an intelligent, discerning woman who refused to be seduced by the bright lights and big names surrounding her. I can verify Kendall's assessment because I have known Kate for many years. I can also confirm the truth of the story Kendall recounts about Mick Jagger that epitomizes the super model's rejection of ostentation in her search for significant relationships. As Kendall writes on page 97:

`Jagger was besotted by Kate; head over heels, hips over lips. In an attempt to woo and win her, Mick sent flowers and jewellery every day. Kate maintained a dignified silence so the love-sick Mick then kicked into high gear and bought her two houses, Yves Saint Laurent and Dior. By now, Kate was becoming cautiously interested, not because of Jagger's unbidden largesse but by his undeniable devotion. Needing wise counsel, she visited her good friend, Frank Leemydear, at his stockbroking office and unburdened herself.
`I like him,' she said, `but I need stability in a relationship. Mick's never around. He's always on the move, touring here, performing there. And when he's not performing, he's away in the studio. Frank, what should I do?'
Ignoring the persistent telephone calls from bankrupted clients and FBI agents, Frank sat confessionally-close to the perplexed parader and said, `Kate, I've just had an epiphany. Then again, it could be an irritated colon. It doesn't matter. You have to dump the bum because the truth is a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.'
It was a beautiful moment of clarity and the two friends wept for an hour.'

Readers will get a great deal of satisfaction from this book.

All the Right Ingredients

Last Suppers: Famous Final Meals from Death Row

by Ty Treadwell

'Last Suppers: Famous Final Meals from Death Row' is one of those quirky books that will either turn your stomach or leave you hungry for more. Most of the condemned inmates requested uncomplicated meals that would never be found listed in the Healthy Heart Cookbook. Little wonder. However, one prisoner, Carmine 'The Garroting Gourmet' Rossi, convicted of strangling and dismembering a club DJ because he included a Neil Diamond record on his playlist, ingeniously worked the system to his benefit. Ty Treadwell cites the incident on page 68:

'The Warden came in to Rossi's dimly-lit cell and asked what he'd like for his final meal.

"I can have anything I want?" Carmine asked.
"Sure you can," the Warden replied softly. "Every condemned man has that right."
On hearing this, Rossi smiled, opened a recipe book he'd stolen from the prison library and said, "I want this. It's a Chinese dish... tofu with sesame oil and a 100-year-old-egg."
"But we don't have an egg that's one hundred years old," the Warden stated.
"Well you'd better start preparing one now 'cause I ain't goin' nowhere till I eat. And Warden, tell the doctor to call back in about a century and blow the candle out when you leave."
Rossi is now the prison's chief librarian and submits regular culinary articles to 'Penitentiary Petit Fors' magazine.'

Brilliant Commentary

The Hunting of the President: The Ten-Year Campaign to Destroy Bill and Hillary Clinton
by Joe Conason

'The Hunting of the President' is the candle that finally sheds light in the basement of White House machinations. Joe Conason and Gene Lyons have cited credible sources and their writing is both perceptive and objective. The authors' clear prose is both elegant and economical, as this brief passage on page 92 demonstrates;
'Bill looked at Hillary. Hillary looked at Bill. Al Gore looked at Hillary. Hillary looked at Tipper Gore. Tipper looked at Monica. Monica lit a cigar. Al smiled. Hillary lit a cigar. Al grinned. Tipper lit a cigar. Al lit a cigar. Oblivious to the showering sprinklers just triggered by the smoke, Bill lit two cigars. Cuba never had it so good.'

The authors also have the ability to make minor details major insights. On page 115, they quote the conversation between Bill and Hillary straight after Bill had recanted his innocence on national television;
'Bill was relieved. "I should have done that a long time ago," he said. "Honeyhips, the guilt's lifted. I feel like a new man."
Placing a reassuring hand on Bill's Viagra tablets, Hillary nodded and replied, "I know what you mean, Studster. I feel like a new man too. Now where did I put Ozzie Osbourne's phone number?"'

The portrayal of Monica Lewinsky is accurate without being judgemental. On page 46, the authors write, 'Monica was the lamb in the flock of interns. White-souled and vulnerable, she finally surrendered to the wolf-wild blandishments of the older man. Bill knew her weak point; her soft spot. Boy, did he know her soft spot!'

This remarkable book leaves no question unanswered, and we at last learn the truth about the infamous role played by Teddy Kennedy in disguising Monica as the Iranian Ambassador in order to facilitate her late-night visits to the presidential 'playroom'.

As the authors state in the book's final line, 'Bill and Hillary thought they had close support from among the various committee members, but with friends like that, who needs enemas'.

This is a story that had to be told.

Yes, I'm a Believer

Walk-Ins: Soul Exchange
by Karyn K. Mitchell

Prior to encountering Dr Mitchell's book, I was a 'Doubting Thomas' but having voraciously read it five times in as many months, I am now convinced of its powerfully liberating truth. As a further validation, I have actually experienced the phenomenon. Just after Christmas, 2006, while I was watching a re-run of 'Uncle Buck', I felt John Candy enter my core as a 'walk-in' (more of a wobble-in, really). He then grabbed the remote and asked for some popcorn. In the three months since taking up 'inner residence', he's eaten me out of house and home, used my credit card to purchase several 'marital aids' for my pastor's wife and run up a huge long-distance phone bill talking to John Belushi. I've given up trying to get the rent he still owes from February. In view of this distressing new dimension to my psychic perception, I'm seriously considering applying for a 'soul exchange'. I think Mahatma Gandhi would be a far more convivial, and much less demanding, entity of enlightenment.

Perceptive and Enlightening

Reality Is Just an Illusion : The World of Shamans, Ghosts and Spirit Guides
by Chuck Coburn

'Reality Is Just an Illusion: The World of Shamans, Ghosts and Spirit Guides' is a significant contribution to the body of work on spiritualism. Chuck Coburn is a guru; a man gifted with insights fashioned from profound mystical experiences. Above all is his clarity of thought and vision, superbly epitomised by his compelling definition of 'illusion' on page 66:

'Illusion is something seen but unreal; an unreality clearly seen but not visible; an unreal invisibility. It is beyond the reality of knowing yet known because of its real unknowability. It exists transcendentally yet it doesn't. No two people see it the same although it is known universally because of its unseen, visible unreality.'

I didn't know that I hadn't seen before but now I see the illusion of seeing that I didn't know. Thank you Mr Coburn.

Superb Scholarship

Freud, Adler, and Jung: Discovering the Mind (Discovering the Mind, Volume 3)
by Walter Kaufmann

Walter A. Kaufmann has produced an outstanding text. His research is meticulous and his prose style highly readable. Freud, Adler and Jung are presented accurately, and the reader is given fresh insights into tested psychoanalytical theory. This is a scholarly work of international significance, made even more profound by the incident detailed in Chapter 4. During his research at the Smithsonian Institution, Kaufmann discovered some hitherto unpublished correspondence relating to the sensational rift between Adler and Freud in 1912. The initial letter, dated May 12 of that year, read:

`Freud,

I have discovered the secret of the Unconscious. It does not repose in your Libido Theory. Resulting from Birth Trauma, all actions, reactions, thoughts and motivations derive from a desire for strudel - strudel with and without cinnamon, lightly dusted strudel with a piquant cheese platter to follow and strudel from Room Service. Our association is henceforth terminated.

Yours, Adler.'

Freud replied by return post:

`My Dear Addled (Oops! Pardon the Slip),

After analyzing your letter, I am of the firm belief that you are quite a few granny smiths short of the full bushel. And one more thing - may I act as your agent regarding the paperback rights to any future cookbook?

Yours,

for only 10% of net receipts,

Siggie.'

There is no record of Adler replying, but his book, `The Psychodynamics of Desserts', was released for the 1913 Christmas rush. It was dedicated to Freud, with the defiantly insulting inscription, `To Fraud: Jung accepted 5%.''

Kaufmann is as brilliant as his subjects, and rarely has a singular work exercised such plethoric influence.

Inspirational

Tammy: Telling It My Way
by Tammy Faye Messner

Tammy Faye Messner is an inspirational lady and her book is a light along the shadowy path of the human condition. Tammy's mind is sharp and agile, and her voice of reason is soft with wisdom yet strong with courage. Every page has something positive to offer, and although the subject matter is mostly serious, Tammy manages to lighten the text with several amusing recollections. I particularly enjoyed pages 88 - 101, where Tammy mischievously recounts the famous 'Jim Bakker Roast' when the couple were at the height of their fame and influence. Following is a brief excerpt.

'Jim was excited but I had to say no because the roast was about to start. Jimmy Swaggart opened with a three-minute routine about the doghouse (he'd just been put there by his wife - again! Glory me!), then Benny 'The Rug' Hinn told an off-colour joke about The Archbishop of Canterbury and a vacuum cleaner. Jim laughed so much he almost made my mascara run! Joyce Meyer, never one to miss the spotlight, then asked Jerry Falwell to dance.

"Ballroom?" Joyce suggested.

"Honey," Jerry bellowed, "in these tight pants there ain't even room for loose change!"

I'd never heard Jim laugh so much, apart from the time he made a prank call to Oral Roberts pledging $5,000,000 on behalf of the Jehovah's Witlesses. I gotta tell you. These televangelists sure know how to put on a roast.'

If you haven't read Tammy's book, do yourself a favour.

Instructive and Productive

The Beginner's Guide The Female Nude
by Ian Sidaway

'The Beginner's Guide' is an excellent book for artists and those wanting to improve their technique. The female nude is a beautiful subject for developing line and texture, and Sidaway explains how to achieve a level of expertise in easy to follow steps. As a beginner myself, I found the advice invaluable.
As well as being a book focusing on technique, the author lightens the text with anecdotes. On pages 34-41, he recounts an incident involving me and two of my artist friends:

'Frank Leemydear had been having private lessons in my studio and was beginning to blossom as a real painter. So I gave him my book and told him to study it at home. From what he told me later, he showed it to Sylvester Stallone and Woody Allen one night in his apartment, just before Goldie Hawn was to arrive. Woody was ecstatic and urged Frank to ask Goldie if they could paint her nude. Apparently Stallone emitted some sort of bovine bellow, rubbed his perspiring hands together and fetched a pencil from the phone stand. Not long after, Goldie arrived, beautiful as always, and after some small talk and tall cocktails, Frank gathered enough gumption to stammer, "Goldie, can Sly and Woody and I paint you in the nude?"

Without hesitating, Goldie replied, "Sure, guys, but leave your socks on. I just adore argyles."

So the three shed everything, including their inhibitions, and all went well till Goldie said that Sly's pencil was blunt through overuse and that Woody's name was a gross overstatement of his reaction. Fearing a similar assessment, Frank quickly covered himself with a postage stamp.'

Ian Sidaway's book is a practical, easily read manual.

A Heavyweight Account

Bad Intentions: The Mike Tyson Story
by Peter Heller

'Bad Intentions: The Mike Tyson Story' is an enthralling account of the boxer's rise and fall. Peter Niels Heller's assiduous scholarship and precise analyses combine to create a portrait that is both compelling and frightening. Drawn into professional boxing at the age of 19, Tyson quickly established himself as the boxer to beat. No-one could. Ultimately, he defeated himself, being sentenced to six years in prison in 1992. However, rather than surrender to the nihilism of incarceration, Tyson fought back. As Heller says on page 126;

'He was on his personal canvas, the Celestial Referee was about to count 9, and then it happened; Tyson stood up, bowed but unbeaten. With renewed energy, he determined that he would change; become a better person. The miracle had begun, and within a month he was working on a lathe in the carpentry shop, turning himself into a model prisoner first, a fruit bowl second and finally an elaborate rocking horse. So impressed were the authorities that they gave the boxer early release and a free white ant inspection.'

These days, Tyson continues to be an ornament, proudly positioned on Don King's mantlepiece.

A Superb Psychological Thriller

Hannibal

by Thomas Harris

Thomas Harris's 'Hannibal' is suspense at its finest. Harris is able to capture a 'sense of the sinister' with precision and textual economy, sustaining the mood throughout the story. From the genesis to the denoument, the novel's potency is preserved.

Three vignettes are worth mentioning. The first, on pages 65-68, is a brilliant case study of the psychotic mind. Here we see Lecter exercising his pathological disdain for accepted social behaviour by openly flossing after eating Steak Tartare at Maxim's. To compound his plunge into darkness, Lecter refuses to tip the waiter, stating coldly, "Two hours I waited for my meal! The only thing rarer than this meat is your service!"

The second, on pages 145-157, demonstrates the author's dexterity with character development. In this defining passage, Clarice Starling declines Lecter's invitation to go ballroom dancing in a skilfully constructed interplay that includes the line, "But Hannibaby, I've heard you trip not only the light fantastic but everything else on the dance floor!"

The final excerpt validates the author's reputation as a master of both conflict and pathos. On pages 212-236, Mason Verger, one of Lecter's surviving victims, is hospitalized, and the mood is taut. The intensity develops, eventually exploding when Verger shouts to the trembling nurse, "Will you get this pelican out of my nightshirt! I said I wanted a bed-bath, not a bird-bath! If that creep hadn't eaten my hands, I'd wring its neck!".

Thomas Harris is a wiley wordsmith and his book is a classic. And it seems apposite here to clarify the reason my close friend, Harrison Ford, turned down the lead role in the film. It wasn't the money, as reported in 'Rolling Stone'. It was because Harry hadn't played a pelican before and his agent said he'd never get the walk right.

Worth Bottling

The Real Truth About Alien Abductions
by Andre Ness

'The Real Truth About Alien Abductions' is a fascinating book. Andre Ness' objectivity reinforces the veracity of his thesis that humans continue to be abducted by aliens. The evidence is overwhelming. Central to the book's validity is the account detailed on pages 46 to 68. Ness describes the experience of Roy Daddict, a nightclub bouncer from Battle Mountain in Nevada. This brief extract, in Daddict's own words, epitomizes the undeniable truth of the phenomenon:

'It was around 11 on a clear, star-filled night and I had just left the club. Without warning, I was lifted into the sky on a beam of purple light and then found myself stretched out on a floating table inside some sort of operating room. All I could hear was the slow hum of the space craft's engine and my own heartbeat. Suddenly, a creature appeared. It was about 9'6" with the body of an octopus, the face of a goat and the smile of a real estate agent about to close a deal.

"I am Gorgon from the planet Zola," he said, "but all my friends on the Interplanetary Bowling Team call me Barry. I have done an anal probe and a dental probe, Earthling, and there is good and bad news."

"What's the good news?" I asked, trembling.

"You're in excellent health."

"So what's the bad news?"

"I used the same probe. I am now going to remove all recollection of your abduction by using this gravitomagnetic, superconductive, quantum interference ray gun. Dang! The battery's dead! Oh well, just don't tell anyone, ok?"

The next thing I remember was waking up in a Battle Mountain motel room that was crawling with cockroaches and littered with empty beer bottles and half-eaten pizzas. But at least I was home with my brain still in one piece. And the jar it was in even had some peanut butter left.'

Read Andre Ness' book and you'll rid yourself of doubt.

Saintly Songbird

Madonna
by Andrew Morton

Andrew Morton's fascinating biography of Madonna is well researched and elegantly written. Her life has been thoroughly chronicled in several lesser biographies, but Mr Morton, during a candid interview with the Archbishop of Dublin, was given unprecedented access to a previously unpublished letter that related to the star's earliest attempt to unsuccessfully adopt from Ireland. Handwritten on parchment and in immaculate Gaelic script, it is a literary light illuminating Madonna's sincere desire to embrace not only the concept of adoption but also the selfless act itself. It is in stark contrast to the raunchy, erotically-energized Madonna seen in explicit videos and heard in steamy lyrics, and for the first time we are able to glean the 'real' Madonna; not the vixen of popular culture but a vulnerable woman in search of fulfilment. Morton himself describes the letter as 'a celebration of this saintly songbird's empathy and passion.' The poignant document, quoted on page 78, reads:

'National Council for Adoption

26 Kildare Street Dublin 2

Ireland

October 27 2003

Dear Ms Madonna

The National Council for Adoption would like to thank you for your recent enquiry expressing interest in adopting. Unfortunately, there are no 25-year-old Irish males registered with our organisation, and even if there were, we would be slightly hesitant to supply the '157 strong-shouldered, six-packed, sun-tanned, slow-loving, shamrock-shaking sugar-studs' that you so generously offered to nurture. To mitigate your undoubted disappointment, the Council has arranged for the Eveready Company to send you a truckload of AAAs and a download of Enya singing 'Batteries Are A Girl's Best Friend'.

Yours sincerely

Phil O'Pastry

CEO National Council for Adoption

Dublin'

The pathos embodied in this unique correspondence brought a lump to my throat and a stye to my eye.

5 Star Story

The Fourth Star: Dispatches from Inside Daniel Boulud's Celebrated New York Restaurant

by Leslie Brenner

In this delightfully readable book, Leslie Brenner invites the reader into one of New York's finest restaurants, Daniel, then serves up a tale of spice, staples and sauce. As with the nuts beside the martini, I had to have more. Characters and events compelled me to turn the page almost before I'd finished it, and not a single word left a sour taste. Many passages are memorable, none moreso than the incident mentioned on page 134:

'It was April 14, 2001, and Julia Roberts was having a clandestine supper with Ozzie Osbourne. Daniel Boulud came to their table and suggested to Ozzie that he have the 'Seinfeld Special'. Feigning intelligence, Ozzie opened his eyes momentarily and said, "No thanks. I'm a vegetable."

Boulud was bemused. "Don't you mean vegetarian?"

"No he doesn't," Julia said, adjusting his tie and oxygen mask. "But I'll try it. If it's anything like the show, then I'll love it."

"Honey," Ozzie said, drifting in and out of insensibility, "if it's anything like the show, it'll repeat on you at least three times a day for the next fifteen years and in every town and city you visit."

Julia laughed so much that she almost knocked her Oscar off the table. Ozzie slid under it.

As lasting friendships go, this one did.'

Informative and Practical

How to Write a Damn Good Novel: A Step-by-Step No Nonsense Guide to Dramatic Storytelling

by James N. Frey

James N. Frey has provided the aspiring novelist with an invaluable guide for improving both content and style. Frey's rich experience in the field is inspirational. He writes with clarity and energy and each chapter is replete with positive advice. Frey leads the reader through the complete writing process, from an idea's inception to its ultimate flowering. Some examples worth citing are:

Structure (Chapter 2); 'Try to avoid predictability. Start at the middle, then do the end and finish with the beginning.'

Language (Chapter 3); 'Avoid cliches like the plague. They make all writing dull as dishwater. If you use mixed metaphors, you are skating on thin ice and could end up in hot water. An inclination towards hyperbole, or exaggeration, is a million times worse than any other problem. Don't confuse tenses because publishers will rejected manuscripts that have been containing obvious errors. Don't use a big word when a breviloquent one can be just as effective. And finally, never start a sentence with a conjunction and punctuate correctly?'

Editing (Chapter 6); 'Revise your work at leest five (6) times before you send it to a agent or an publisher.'

If you follow the steps that Frey has so carefully detailed in this book, your unpublished days will be numbered. Probably in the thousands.

A Valid Portrait

Ronald Reagan: How an Ordinary Man Became an Extraordinary Leader
by Dinesh D'Souza

Dinesh D'Souza's book is a tribute to a unique leader, father and husband. D'Souza writes with affection and balance, citing credible sources where necessary. Chronological accuracy is sustained throughout the text, and sensationalism is avoided. However, there is one incident that must be corrected. On page 36, D'Souza writes, 'On that momentous day in 1980, Nancy was given the honor of telling her husband that he had won. Mr Reagan sighed deeply and said, 'I am truly humbled.'' That's not quite the way it went. During a conversation I recently had with Nancy in the mosh pit at an Eminem 'concert', she was adamant that Ron had actually spluttered, 'Me? President of the United States? That's fantastic! Which one am I playing and who's the director?'

Very Informative Text

Mars and Venus in the Bedroom: A Guide to Lasting Romance and Passion
by John Gray

John Gray's book is an excellent resource for people who are interested in improving their physical relationships. After reading each section thoroughly, I realized for the first time that there was more to the enjoyment of intimacy than I had imagined. Chapter 3, titled 'Once A Year Is Not Enough', made me re-think my schedule. I still only get it once a year, but at least Gray has made me aware.

Another excellent piece of advice comes in Chapter 5, where Gray states controversially, 'Don't be afraid to experiment; try new things, like undressing. It may seem unnatural at first, but hey...we've all got wobbly bits.'

This is also a valuable manual for those just starting a physical relationship. Topics for the 'nookie' novice include 'How Come You've Got THREE?', 'Batteries Are A Girl's Best Friend', 'No, Susan, Fellatio Wasn't That Italian Film Director Married to Sophia Loren' and 'Bob and Carol and Bill and Monica'.

'Mars and Venus in the Bedroom' is a 'must-read' book. I can't wait for Gray's next one, 'Mars and Venus in the Boardroom'. Coroprate America is already ducking for cover.

Economical and Entertaining

From the Greek Mimes to Marcel Marceau and Beyond: Mimes, Actors, Pierrots and Clowns: A Chronicle of the Many Visages of Mime in the Theatre
by Annette Bercut Lust

Of all the books written about Marcel Marceau and other great mimes, this is the most developed. Annette Lust presents the history of the artists with clarity and sustained interest. Her timeline is impeccable and her characters lively. Her power is particularly evident when Marcel Marceau is introduced. The pantomime's genius is apparent in every sentence, and the author highlights the purity of his timing. Marceau, like his 1947 creation `Bip', is seen as enigmatic, and I agree with Annette's assessment. I had the good fortune to meet Monsieur Marceau when we were both guests on the 'Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson in 1988. Marcel was naturally reticent, so Carson filled the silences with bird calls and beverage gargling. Near the end of the interview, the frustrated host asked Marcel to explain his miming philosophy. Marcel looked at me, pondered briefly and replied, "." Impressed, Carson announced effusively, "Fantastic! I couldn't have said it better myself."

So I was somewhat surprised when, during the ad break, Johnny dragged me off-stage and fumed, "Frank, can you believe that clown? I thought he'd never shut up!"