Good in Parts

Your Heiress Diary: Confess It All to Me
by Paris Hilton

Before Paris Hilton became a literary leviathan, the pages of 'Your Heiress Diary: Confess It All To Me' once stood as a living tree somewhere, sunlit and breeze-licked by day, starlit and silent at night. Then the wood-chippers and pandering, predatory publishers moved in and Ms Hilton's vacuity filled the void created by the vandals. It's becoming increasingly difficult to maintain a sense of optimism.

However, for the sake of balanced criticism, it is important to cite the book's eloquently redeeming features... the small blank spaces between the words.

A Guiding Star To Enlightenment

Out-of-Body Experiences: How to Have Them and What to Expect
by Robert Peterson

'Out of Body Experiences: How to Have Them and What to Expect' is a brilliant work and the authors are truly charismatic figures. Unlike some other writings on this subject, this book has the ring of truth, achieved principally through textual conviction, energy and clarity.

Two significant passages illustrate the compelling nature of the treatise. In the Preface, Tart explains the genesis of his soul-mind-journeying: 'It happened one Saturday afternoon. I'd just finished group therapy when my spirit-guide, Maharishi Ralph, called long-distance (collect!) and told me to go to India with Robert. Bob had fully recovered from his do-it-yourself lobotomy and was keen to leave, but as it was rush hour, we couldn't find an empty cab to Bombay. So we phoned Delta but all flights were booked out. It was at that epiphanic moment that Robert suggested we try the out-of-body thing and it worked. Mind you, the food was lousy, but at least we avoided the excess baggage surcharge. And these days, with all the astral miles we've clocked up, we always get an upgrade to Nirvana Class.'

In Chapter 3, Peterson describes an encounter he and Tart had with Shirley MacLaine during one of their trips; 'Shirley had just stopped to give way to a passing comet when we pulled up behind her. She then tried to move off but her core-essence stalled. I waited two nanoseconds then mind-honked her. This she didn't appreciate, judging by the stream of expletives she telepathically bombarded us with. Good heavens! The lady was not only out of her body, she was also out of her mind!'

'Out of Body Experiences' sets the benchmark for the genre, and anyone with half a brain will enjoy this book.

A Runaway Success

World Record Breakers in Track & Field Athletics
by Gerald Lawson

'World Record Breakers in Track & Field Athletics' is an excellent record of prominent athletes and their training routines. Gerald Lawson's text is confident and unadorned, and the athletes he cites are significant achievers. Colourful illustrations serve to enliven the prose. So, too, does the Introduction, tightly written by Anna Bolic, the coach of the Hungarian Women's Track Team. An excerpt is worth quoting;

'Gerald Lawson is famous athletic support and roach who is model and constipation to our young womens of the field and truck. I use words from this book when I'm encroaching the girls and they all admire and lick Mr Lawson and his prominent testimonials. Mr Lawson warns about steroids and I say to my girls that they should listen as steroids are bad, especially when they promote beard growth and aggressive gesturings. I know they have followed Mr Lawson's advisorys because the team's razor bill is now down to only $800 a week. Mr Lawson also teaches that smoking before an event is harming to the lunks and chesticals, so now they only light up the cigars during a run. My girls want to be just like Mr Lowswine, without having to wait months for operation in a pubic hospital.'

'World Record Breakers in Track & Field Athletics' is essential reading for all athletes and coaches.

It Works

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Improving Your IQ
by Richard G./ Alpha Group (Edt)/ Politis Pellegrino

Richard G. Pellegrino is an expert in the field of human intelligence and he has produced a well written, scholarly work which undoubtedly achieves its aim of improving IQ. I sold my copy to Stephen Segal for $45 more than I paid for it, and the actor read it in two hours. The title, that is. A year later, after he'd finished the actual book, Segal called me from some B Grade movie set in Upper Volta and said excitedly, "Frank, it works! At first I thought this was a great book but by the final page I was smart enough to see that it's the worstest thing what has ever been wrote."
I sat back in my chair, lit a cigar with the $50 note Segal had paid me for my unread copy, and said, "Seggers, you're a genius."
"A what? How do you spell that?"
As I hung up, I could hear him flipping through the 'j' section of the dictionary.